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Thursday, September 11, 2008

It's not a man's world anymore

When my wife and I decided in 1989 to move permanently to Scottsdale, it was a moment of joy combined with some apprehension. The joy was in knowing that I was finished with Mid-west winters; the apprehension was that it meant decorating a new house. If you are a guy, you know what I mean. We have our ideas of what a house should look like but so do our wives.

I subscribe to the code of Rick and Bubba which states that one’s wife will always respect his opinion on home decorating as long as it agrees with hers. Oh, sure, we go through the motions of selecting paint and upholstery samples, but it is an academic procedure. We are going to do what she wants although we will be told that "your opinion really matters."

For example, if our opinions mattered, wouldn’t we have a refrigerator full of beer next to the recliner? Also, what is the point of china cabinets? They cost about $2,000 and hold a lot of expensive dishes that no one uses. They are totally unnecessary and can be replaced by paper plates which cost about $2 and never have to be dusted or washed.

Another thing women waste money on is furniture. With men, a piece of furniture is for life. We don’t understand how furniture that our wives "couldn’t live without" in 1994 is suddenly ready for the Goodwill truck only 14 years later.

Another unnecessary item is curtains. What is the point? You just paid a bunch of extra money for a mountain view and you’re going to cover it with curtains? Dining rooms are also unnecessary. Who eats in the dining room when you can eat on TV trays in the living room, sit in your recliner next to the beer box, and watch all the sports you want on your large high definition TV? Don’t the women know the Diamondbacks are in the heat of a hot pennant race and the NFL games are just around the corner?

I know it is difficult, guys, but we must continue to try to educate our wives on what real living is all about and the importance of following the codes of Rick and Bubba. In the meantime, I have to get into the living room. My wife has a new show on the Home and Garden Network that she wants me to see. She says she wants my opinion on some decorating ideas. ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

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